I've recently been listening to conference talks during the day as I do some of my work. I really like Elder Dallin H. Oaks’ talk “Unselfish Service.” It’s a great talk. Here’s one of the parts that stuck out to me:
A familiar example of losing ourselves in the service of others—this one not unique to Latter-day Saints—is the sacrifice parents make for their children. Mothers suffer pain and loss of personal priorities and comforts to bear and rear each child. Fathers adjust their lives and priorities to support a family. The gap between those who are and those who are not willing to do this is widening in today’s world. One of our family members recently overheard a young couple on an airline flight explaining that they chose to have a dog instead of children. “Dogs are less trouble,” they declared. “Dogs don’t talk back, and we never have to ground them.”
Yes! Isn’t it awesome when you’re listening to general conference and one of the general authorities starts talking about one of your favorite pet peeves? Here was the number one topic I love to harp on—the “my dogs are my children” falsehood. It’s very easy to get me going—in fact, one of my favorite stories to tell is about the time when I was seriously asked to explain how having children is different from watching a puppy grow and discover the world.
So, if I chose to speak on Elder Oaks message, I could easily talk about all those horrible selfish people out there who are not having kids because they’d rather watch their puppies discover the world. And, as a bonus, I could connect the whole thing with Mother’s Day to show that, unlike those selfish dog people, I am a virtuous, unselfish, mother of actual human children. One who has suffered “pain and loss of personal priorities and comforts to bear and rear each child.” Pat on the back.
Wow. No dogs, two kids, and I’m a stay-at-home mom. Oh yeah, AND, I willingly agreed to give a talk on mother’s day. Unselfish service? Done!
Actually, it turns out “Unselfish Service” is one of those topics that I desperately need to work on. It’s not really something we can do once or twice and then check off on our list. It’s a lifetime thing.
And I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because of some things that have been going on in our family. For instance, my sister got married last Friday. So I’ve been thinking a lot about unselfish service as it pertains to marriage and I wanted to give her some advice. Here’s what I shared with her, a quote from President Hinckley: “If you will make your first concern the comfort, the well-being, and the happiness of your companion, sublimating any personal concern to that loftier goal, you will be happy, and your marriage will go on through eternity.” My husband and I have had this quote on our fridge for most of our marriage, and we’ve tried to live it.
I can testify to you, as I did to my sister that this is a true principle. In my case, I can testify that trying to live this quote and failing, reminding yourself to try again, failing again and again but never giving up, has been enough. Maybe it’s just true for me because I have a particularly patient and forgiving spouse, but I believe this is such a powerful principle. Happiness in this life comes from willingly giving up the things you THINK will make you happy in order to make someone else happy. It makes absolutely no sense intuitively, but spiritually, I know that it works.
Here’s the quote from Pres. Hinckley that Elder Oaks uses: “He who lives only unto himself withers and dies, while he who forgets himself in the service of others grows and blossoms in this life and in eternity.”
Here’s the scripture version, “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” Matthew 10:39.
I love this scripture because the phrasing of this scripture perfectly answers a common philosophy in the world—the idea that each of us at some point in our lives, maybe at our mid-life crisis, will need to go “find ourselves.” The phrase is usually used by those who say they’ve been trying to please everyone else and now they need to go find themselves. But the scripture says the only way to find yourself is to lose yourself. Forget you, or your fate is withering and dying.
There’s another part of this I’ve been thinking about lately. The world wants us to believe that “whatever makes you happy” is the way to go. There are then, presumably, as many paths to happiness as there are people on the earth. What this way of thinking ignores is the fact that we all have roles, responsibilities, and duties in this life, some we were born with and some we have chosen. We are never going to be happy in a situation where we are outside of those responsibilities and duties. Those obligations truly exist and our happiness comes as we work to adjust ourselves to them, make sacrifices to align our lives with them.
Here’s how Elder John A Widtsoe said it, “We cannot walk as other men, or talk as other men, or do as other men, for we have a different destiny, obligation, and responsibility placed upon us, and we must fit ourselves [to it].”
We can run around all day every day trying to make ourselves happy, but the fact is that, by design, our spirits thrive on making other people happy, helping them learn, grow, or simply survive. We can fight against it, but we may as well fit ourselves to it.
That’s one reason I love my patriarchal blessing so much. Here’s God’s view of who I am, what I need to do in my life, and who I can become. If I work my hardest to fit my life with what God sees my life can be, I will be pleasing Him, and He will bless me with happiness. And you know what? Most of my patriarchal blessing is about what I need to do to help others, bless my family, and serve in the church and about the gifts Heavenly Father wants me to use as I do that. In short, it’s about unselfish service.
So, we’ve already covered the ways in which I’ve got this selfless service thing covered. What about something more we could do? Elder Oaks talks about Mother Teresa, who made a vow to give “wholehearted free service to the poorest of the poor.” Her life was given, not saved, in the service of others and Elder Oaks praises her for following Christ’s example and teachings. But we are not to take a vow and move to Calcutta to give our unselfish service. No. In the very next line of this talk, Elder Oaks tells us to apply this principle to our attitudes in attending church. He wants us to give our unselfish service wholeheartedly, but in smaller ways.
As Mother Teresa says, we can do no great things, only small things with great love. So, find the small things that you are being asked to do and do them with great love. Maybe it’s calling the sisters you visit teach. Maybe it’s making your husband’s lunch while he gets ready for work. Maybe it’s reading that book you are really sick of to your child who really loves it.
My goal is to find these small though difficult things that I am being asked to give, and give them willingly, with great love. In doing so, we are following the Savior’s example, and He will bless us with fulfillment and joy. I testify of Him, that He lives and wants us to return to Him.
